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I've never felt like an adult.
In fact, I still feel attached to my teenager years and think about them over and over again, wishing I could back to those times.
It's as if I never wanted to grow up and become an adult with responsibilities, as if I wanted to remain as a teenager all my life.
Maybe the reason why is because I feel I lost part of my life when I dropped out of school when I was 13. I started suffering what I would later discover would be anxiety, and then depression. I wasn't capable of attending classes, not even enter school grounds, I was petrified, I was so afraid...
Even though I didn't have trouble with anyone and was a straight A's student, I couldn't come back. I was so afraid of going that, despite the principal's attempts to get me engaged with the school again and the help he offered me, I wasn't able to do it. Today, I regret it so much.
Years later, I retook my studies and a bit of social life, but in a different way: distance learning and a few friends. It wasn't the same, it didn't make up for what I'd lost.
I wonder if I'll be able to finally get over it some time and come to terms with my present reality.
I feel both alone and lonely.
I've been alone for a long, long time and I thought I'd eventually get used to loneliness, but I haven't.
I'm a very sociable person, I like to interact with people (or at least I used to) but I have no friends. Every time I try to befriend someone, it just doesn't work. People seem not to care about me, they aren't interested in getting to know me. They just ignore me. They just give me small talk while we wait in the corridor 'til the lesson starts and that's it.
I'm fed up with being the only one interested in building a friendship, begging for attention. I hate the people of my Language School. They're so passive and boring and selfish. Fucking assholes.
I feel weaker and weaker, the pain's becoming unbearable. I just need help from someone that truly cares, someone that listens, someone that understands, someone to talk about my interests to, someone that supports me, someone to listen to and support too, someone to show love to (it doesn't necessarily need to be romantic love, it can be love for a friend).
Now I come to understand Dylan Klebold's (one of the Columbine shooters, who was deeply depressed) feelings a bit more, although I don't justify his acts in any way.
Sue Klebold's book A Mother's Reckoning is a real eye-opener.
I JUST NEED A FRIEND.
Every day's just another rainy day.
I wanna get out of this endless loop, but I can't.